I never realized it until recently, but I have been playing Russian Roulette with my life. For the past couple of decades I have been battling borderline diabetes, high blood pressure, renal failure and a couple of heart stents just to mention a few issues. It’s not that I haven’t taken any of this seriously, but it’s the psychological battle that has kept me from choosing a healthy life.
My life for as long as I can remember has been a battle. A battle for acceptance. A battle for direction. A battle for respect, but most of all a battle for love. I have come to realize that most of my relationships in life were and are conditional. My best gauge of this is my current situation in life. I became a reduction in workforce in March and I’m still seeking employment. I went back through my emails and phone calls to see the last time I received an email or phone call from a friend. It has been over a year. The hardest part when your hurting is loneliness. It’s amazing how quiet my life gets when I’m of no value to people.
So this is where I am. This is my life. Unhealthy, unemployed and unhappy. Yes there are some positive things in my life. My wife is still with me, but I know the stress of all of this is getting to her. There is my daughter and my granddaughter that keep me going, but it hasn’t been enough for me to turn my life around.
Recently I realized I was putting way too much emphasis on everyone else’s happiness, that I forgot all about myself. I realized I was killing myself for everyone else and hating myself in the process. My list can go on and on with the negative issues in my life, but to be honest, it is time to let it all go.
I have been following a change of life program, not a diet, the past few weeks and I’m having some modest success. I am changing the way I live MY life and putting the focus to me, something I’ve never really done.
So here’s to me and my new focus. Here’s to me and creating the improved me and the healthier me. My journey is just begging and it is one I plan to continue the rest of my life.